


You can never go home anymore

by Ilrona



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Break Up, Evil space boyfriends become evil space exes, I love that fandom headcanon that they’re bitter exes during the movie, Kylo Ren is the master of questionable life choices, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 23:04:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7733242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilrona/pseuds/Ilrona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren isn’t a member of the New Republic anymore, of course, and he isn’t certain he can call the First Order his home. But it’s fine: the Knights of Ren don’t need a home like ordinary people. And at least he has Hux.</p><p>Then he travels to the mysterious cave on Dagobah and sees a vision that makes him realize that it might be better if he loses Hux as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You can never go home anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the lyrics of ‘I Can Never Go Home Anymore' by The Shangri-Las.

Hux gasped loudly: Kylo, trying to remember, can almost hear the sweet sound now. Kylo squeezed his ass roughly, both to make Hux whimper and because he loved how it felt in his hand.

Then Hux whispered:  _Kylo_. He said other things too. Kylo now can’t recall the exact words, something about how much Hux wanted him, how he couldn’t wait to have him.

The surprise momentary pushed Kylo’s arousal away. He leaned back enough to be able to look at Hux’s face, though he kept his fine little ass in his hand.

Hux, with eyes that were more black pupils than pale irises, just stared at Kylo.

Kylo considered saying something.  _Do not dare call me Kylo._  Or perhaps:  _I’m glad you called me Kylo._ Before that moment, Hux had not called him anything but Lord Ren, and even that only when he absolutely had to address Kylo somehow. Kylo wondered if he should call him Armitage from now on. He wondered whether Hux would continue to call him Kylo, or whether this was just a mistake slipped out of a mouth controlled by a mind foggy with lust.

In the end, Kylo didn’t say anything. This happened… he isn’t sure when, but it feels like a while ago.

“Kylo,” Hux says now. The name sounds familiar on his tongue, like it belongs there. “Tell me something about your childhood.”

Kylo scowls at him. Hux doesn’t say anything and his face remains emotionless, but Kylo can feel, with the Force, a harsh flare of annoyance from him.

“Fine. There’s this riddle I once heard when I was a child: ‘The more we are, the less you are. On our trees we live in a bubble, for you we are only trouble. What are we?’.”

Hux shifts on the bed and his brows furrow while he thinks. Kylo stares at him, a little charmed. He expected Hux to scoff at him, call it a silly children’s riddle and demand Kylo tell him something better.

“Is it a fish that eats people?”

Kylo can’t help the incredulous laugh.

Hux glares at him. “The more fish there are, the more they can eat from you. That makes sense.”

“But why fish?”

“Because they live in a bubble. Bubbles are underwater.”

“There’s no water,” Kylo says, before Hux could reach for his datapad to look up every creature and species that live underwater. He realizes that Hux very likely won’t figure it out. The more Kylo lets him think, the more annoyed he will be in the end when he has to admit his failure. Maybe it’s better to put an end to this quickly. “It’s the ysalamir.”

“The  _what_?”

That’s exactly the reaction Kylo was expecting. “They’re lizard-like animals, native to Myrkr in the Inner Rim. They’re capable of creating a Force-neutral bubble, the more there are, the bigger the bubble is. Originally it was to protect them from the vornskr, a beast that can use the Force, but it works against all Force-users. And they live in trees – normal trees, not underwater trees.”

“And how was I supposed to figure that out? I have never even heard about these things!”

Kylo tries to kiss the indignant pout off Hux’s lips, but they remain unyielding under Kylo’s mouth. Oh well. He will make that mouth eager for him later.

“Tell me something that happened to _you_ , Kylo.” Hux looks at him with expectant, strangely soft eyes. Fine. Kylo can give him  _something_.

“I once got lost on Hosnian Prime. There was this lake, and a forest near it, and the trees had these luminescent fruits hanging from the branches. I wanted to get one, so I went in…”

Whatever emotion made Hux’s pale eyes soft just a few moments ago disappears. “I don’t want to talk about Hosnian Prime.”

Kylo rolls his eyes. “You wanted me to tell you a story from my childhood.”

“Yes, but.” Hux doesn’t finish it. He rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“But not a story that happened on one of the planets you want to blow up?”

“I don’t  _want_  to blow it up!” Hux doesn't turn his head to look at Kylo. “I want to destroy the New Republic, the Senate, the fleet. I want to destroy our enemies. I know there are innocents living on those planets. But there are civilian casualties in every war. It must be done, because no other weapon would ensure our victory so completely. But I’m not looking forward to killing innocents and destroying their home. I will do it, but I won’t  _enjoy_ it.”

There’s a flash of memory, uncomfortably clear: Kylo sees Leia Organa leaning onto the richly ornamented railing of the balcony of the hotel room on Hosnian Prime, her beautiful long hair falling gently down her back like a cape as she stared up at the bright sky. Then she turned to her son, standing next to her:  _Ben, you won’t see me for a few weeks. I must try to convince the Senate to take the possible threat of a rebuilding Empire more seriously. I already lost my home. I will not let anyone else lose theirs._

“You think it is too much, don’t you, Kylo?”

Kylo blinks. His mouth feels dry. What is he supposed to say? Planets destroyed, the death of billions, other billions grieving the loss of their home and loved ones – of course it’s too much.

Kylo doesn’t say anything.

“There’s already so many credits poured into this project, we can’t give it up now. And if it is too much, nobody will be able to shrug about this. When they see the power of our weapon, the other systems will realize they can’t fight us, that there’s no choice but to join the First Order. The New Republic stole our home. They destroyed everything we had built. We had to flee. There was no place in the galaxy we could call home after the Empire was defeated. But once the New Republic is gone, we will have a home again. We will make the whole galaxy our home.”

Kylo wonders what  _our_  means. It can’t mean Kylo and Hux, together. Hux must be talking about all members of the First Order, every lost children of the ruined Empire.

Kylo knows Hux was a very young child when they had to leave his home planet, Arkanis. He can’t remember anything but perhaps a few vague impressions. Kylo wishes he couldn’t remember his previous life either. He wishes he could feel like Hux: that he could believe, unquestionably, that there truly is only one possible government that deserves to rule the galaxy.

“What about you, Kylo? What is your home?”

Kylo doesn’t want to think about it, but he does. When did he feel like he was home? Chewing his favorite sticky candy while sitting in front of the dejarik table of the Millennium Falcon? Watching his mother talk with the holographic members of the Senate while hugging one of the huge embroidered pillows of the hotel to his chest on Hosnian Prime? Lying in his bed on Kashyyyk, listening to the soft sounds of the leaves of the wroshyr trees and the occasional roars? Uncle Luke’s Jedi school–

They are not places he will ever be able to go back to. With the countless murders he has committed, not just against armed enemies, but the slaughters of innocents and burning down civilian homes – those he once called family would not want to do anything with him now. Already, even years before the day Kylo will stand by and let the First Order – Hux – destroy the Hosnian system, his war crimes (because that’s what the New Republic considers them) are too numerous.

He knows that even his father or his mother, no matter how much they used to love their little Ben, would kill him before they give him a chance to go back home. If they tried to tell him that he still deserves to come home after everything, it would be just a trick, a lie to capture and then publicly execute him. Ben Organa-Solo, child of the New Republic, died a long time ago. Kylo Ren is their enemy.

Does he have a new home now? He isn’t sure. Certainly he would feel more at home in the First Order if he, like Hux, had a great Imperial Commandant for a father, instead of a hero of the Rebellion. And there is his mother and uncle as well. Though his grandfather is the great Darth Vader, would the new Empire, if the First Order is one day victorious, ever accept him if everyone knew his family caused the fall of the previous Empire?

“The masters of the dark side of the Force don’t have a home. Well, it’s not that we don’t have a home, it’s just that our home is the Force.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Well, what is home according to you?”

“The First Order, the Empire.” The words are said instantly, without having to think even a moment about it. Then, looking at Kylo, Hux adds: “But if you’re asking for a less concrete answer, let me quote one of the great Arkanisian poets: ‘Home is where the light never dies’.”

Kylo’s heart skips a beat in terror, even as his mind scrambles to reassure him: surely whoever the Arkanisian poet Hux is talking about doesn’t mean that literally. It must be some fancy, ridiculous metaphor. It has nothing to do with the two sides of the Force.

Hux continues, unaware of Kylo’s tumultuous thoughts. “Home is where you can do your duty. If you’re somewhere else, you may don’t have all you need, or you may don’t feel comfortable or safe enough to focus, but home is the perfect place to work. And you need the light so you can see and work. On Arkanis, there’s a lot of rain, so even during the day the sun often doesn’t shine bright enough and we need to turn on our lamps to see.”

Kylo smiles – that’s so typical of Hux, considering work to be such an important thing. Kylo remembers, a long time ago, his father rubbing his mother’s arm, kissing her forehead as he tried to convince her to put her datapad down, put her work away, isn’t she so exhausted, relaxing for a few hours would make her feel better, _Come, Ben, the three of us can watch a holodrama, it has Jedi in it!_

“But what about sleep? Don’t you sleep at home too? It’s better to sleep in darkness.”

“You’re taking it too literally. It’s poetry.”

Kylo shrugs. Getting bored of the discussion, he grabs Hux and rolls him on top of him. Hux makes a surprised little sound, but doesn’t struggle against the sudden manhandling, lets Kylo’s hand grab his cock through his pants.

“You know what makes me feel like home?” Kylo presses a wet kiss onto Hux’s neck, smirking against the skin when Hux squirms on him. “Your dick in my ass.”

“You’re mocking me!” Hux glares, annoyed. But he moans approvingly as Kylo slips a hand under the fabric to begin to tease Hux’s soft cock until it hardens for him. Hux’s hand slides under Kylo’s shirt, caressing his stomach.

Kylo bites down on Hux's lower lip, feeling Hux’s dick twitch in his hand, and then soothes the little bite with his tongue before Hux deepens the kiss.

* * *

Travelling to the cave on Dagobah is easy. The filthy water of the swamp can’t reach inside his boots, though the wetness does climb into the fabric of his robe, but it’s already so dirty that it doesn’t matter. Once, he sees a flash of blue light in the distance, but it disappears when he blinks. Perhaps it was the patches of a spotlight sloth on its way to fill its belly with berries, or a Force ghost, or just the result of some chemical reaction happening under the water. It doesn’t try to hinder Kylo, so he doesn’t really care about it.

The only thing he had to fight was a python, slipping into the water from a gnarltree with a loud splash – though even if it had been completely silent Kylo would have felt his presence, the sudden malicious hunger behind him. He severed its head with a swing of his lightsaber when it lunged at him. He was disappointed there wasn’t more of a fight, but then he remembered what his true goal is, and continued on.  

When his shuttle landed in the swamp about an hour ago, Kylo thought that the Force on Dagobah truly is purer than anywhere he has ever been before. Not even during his meditations could he sense such a… he isn’t sure how to describe it. It’s not Dark, it’s not Light: it’s neither, or perhaps both, such a perfect balance that both sides… They don’t disappear, no, they are still there, but they are dissolved: a perfect blend.

However, when he arrives to the cave, the Dark is noticeably stronger there. Kylo smiles at the feeling, heavy and thick and familiar. He shivers, bolstered. It feels like he’s alone. But Kylo knows he can’t be too careful. This is a tricky place, according to his uncle’s half-forgotten tales.

But Luke Skywalker was a weak foolish boy when he was here decades ago, with an annoying little creature clinging to his back and whispering nonsense into his ear. Kylo is stronger than him. And this cave belongs to the dark side of the Force, as does Kylo.

Snoke warned him that the vision he might see here could be many things: an echo of the past or a fragment of the future, a hope or a fear. It might be true, but it could be very false. 

It would be great if he could see his grandfather, even if it’s only an illusion. To see him walk and hear him breathe and maybe even talk to him. Unlike what happened with Luke Skywalker, Kylo is sure the vision of Darth Vader wouldn’t attack  _him_. No. He would tell Kylo instead how proud he is of his grandson, and–

He suddenly sees the vision. For a moment, he can’t even comprehend it.

Kylo sees himself: sitting on the ground, in his usual dark robes but without his mask. There’s a scar on his face Kylo doesn’t have.

The vision holds Hux’s head in his lap, the rest of Hux’s body lying on the ground. He’s wearing his dark uniform, so it’s hard to see, but it looks like there’s a wound on his chest. For a moment Kylo thinks he can feel the thick scent of blood in his nose, but then it’s gone, and only the unpleasant smells of the swamp remain around him.

“I’m going to die.” Hux’s voice, capable of filling the whole galaxy when he shouts, is so weak now that Kylo has to step closer to hear Hux. He thinks they will notice him, look up, but no.

“I’m sorry,” Kylo – the illusion – whispers. “I should have saved you. I failed.”

“Yes,” Hux says, though he doesn’t sound accusing or mad or panicked or anything. It’s like there isn’t enough strength left in him to fill his words with any kind of emotion.   

“You weren’t supposed to die so soon.” The other Kylo’s voice, however, is heavy with dread and sorrow, every word dripping with raw misery. “There’s so much left for us to do, together. If you leave, I won’t be able to continue alone.”

Kylo cringes as he looks at the tears falling down the other’s naked, scarred face, every feature twisted as he starts to shamelessly sob, loud like a child.

There’s some blood seeping out from the corner of Hux’s mouth, painting his sweet pink lips a harsh, terrible red. Unlike the false Kylo’s face, which is so ugly now, distorted by his grief, Hux looks peaceful. There are tears on his dead face. Kylo didn’t know Hux is capable of crying. Perhaps he isn’t. This vision is not the real Hux.

Then the sitting Kylo looks up at the real Kylo and it feels as if the vision really can see him.

“Kill me.”

Kylo frowns. He looks around, both with his eyes and with the Force, trying to figure out what to do. But there’s nothing. He could turn around and leave, but what if there’s something more left to see?

“You don’t have to die, just because he’s dead,” Kylo tells himself.

“Kill me.” There are more tears spilling onto his face, onto his nose and the strange scar. His lips tremble.

Kylo, not sure what else to do, ignites his lightsaber and cuts the vision’s head off. This is what happened to Luke Skywalker, too – under the mask of the decapitated head was the image of his own face. Is that what this cave is like? You have to kill a vision of yourself?

The vision disappears.

The Force around him suddenly becomes thicker and stronger, makes him tremble as he turns his saber off, but Kylo can’t understand it. Is the dark side of the Force proud of him, or is it disappointed? Was this the right choice, or did he fail some test?

* * *

On his way back to the Finalizer, he tries to contact Snoke in his mind. Snoke isn’t always there, but this time either he doesn’t have anything important to do or he can sense how much Kylo needs his guidance, because he appears in Kylo’s mind. His presence, dark and overwhelming, is familiar but still uncomfortable.

Kylo doesn’t want to use words, so he just pushes the vision into the center of his mind, showing Snoke. He will be disappointed with his apprentice, likely, but Kylo will deal with that.

“I thought I would see Darth Vader,” Kylo admits. “Or at least something useful.”

“This vision is useful too, even if it’s not what you wanted. Do you love General Hux?”

“No.” Kylo is confident about this. Sure, he’s rather fond of certain parts of Hux, but he doesn’t love him, because he, one of the Knights of Ren, is not capable of love. “But the vision did, I think. He wanted to die after Hux’s death. I wouldn’t want that.”

“The vision must be a warning,” Snoke starts to explains. Kylo, his heart beating nervously, listens as intently as he can. “If you continue to be as close to General Hux as you are now, you may, no matter how cautious you are, end up like the vision you saw – a pathetic, inferior version of yourself, unable to reach your true potential because the loss of another person made you lose the will to go on. You’re so strong with the Force, so powerful, destined to be so great – do you want to throw away such a gift because of General Hux, who may not even return half of your current feelings for him, let alone what was shown in that vision? You know he would not put you before his dreams and ambitions, so why should you?”

Kylo lets out a breath, and it feels like he lets something else go with it as well.

“Thank you, Master.”

* * *

Kylo could, before the break-up, have one last fuck with Hux, or at least kiss him, or play dejarik and talk about things. He could show Hux that wonderful song, both sorrowful and savage, he once listened to in the Galaxies Opera House on Coruscant, the one part of the opera that didn’t make young Ben desperately fight his yawns. It would have been nice to share that with Hux, and many other things too.

But it’s better to get this over with, as quickly as he can.

“You must be tired, Kylo,” Hux smiles a little, rubbing his arm. “I can see from the slope of your shoulders. Take off that helmet and rest a little with me.”

“I’m breaking up with you.”

Hux’s mouth falls open in shock. He makes a little sound that Kylo thinks was meant to convey confusion but it sounds like the whimper of a wounded animal.

“What?” Hux leans a bit closer, like he’s trying to see behind the helmet.

“We are – different. Our paths will become separate sooner or later. I’m interested in the Force, you in politics and galactic warfare. I must focus on being Snoke’s apprentice, and you will be too busy with Starkiller. I don’t think there’s a point. This relationship is not. Not the best. For either of us.”

“That makes no sense!” Hux frowns. Kylo wants to kiss the little furrow between his brows. He can’t. “That’s – you must have known that when we started this! Why are you breaking up with me  _now_?”

 _Because you will make me weak and foolish_ , Kylo thinks.  _Because what if the vision in the cave was also a warning that if I remain with you, you will die – perhaps even because of me? I would prefer if you were far from me but alive. I wouldn’t want to watch you die because of me. And if you must die, no matter what I do, I, selfish as I am, would rather not deal with the pain it would cause me, and end this now._

“I’m breaking up with you,” Kylo repeats. For a moment he thinks – he almost wants it, though he knows he shouldn’t – Hux will argue, will try to convince Kylo to change his mind, will try to fight for them. Or at least demand an explanation: Kylo knows it isn’t fair to not tell Hux the reason, but Hux wouldn’t understand the vision of the Force. Not even Kylo understands it completely, after all. He’s giving Hux up because of a _possible_ future.

Kylo wants desperately to reach out with the Force and look into Hux’s mind, to hear his thoughts. He restrains himself.

If Hux doesn’t accept it, Kylo can threaten him, put the burning blade of his lightsaber against Hux’s vulnerable throat. Kylo wouldn’t want that, though perhaps that would be for the best – that would break whatever they had irreparably, and Kylo would never have the chance to have it back, even if he wanted it.

In the end, he’s glad he doesn’t have to resort to that. He wouldn’t want Hux to become afraid of him.

Hux, his voice unnaturally flat, as if he’s trying to take any feeling out of it, says: “If that’s what you want, there’s nothing I can do.”

* * *

Hux is on the bridge of the Finalizer, standing in front of the windows that show the dark infinity of space, his face a white mask, his body hidden under his uniform and greatcoat. Even his hat is sitting on his head.

Unlike Kylo in his weird robes and frightening mask, General Hux doesn’t look out of place. He looks so normal. Mundane. As if he were only one of the thousands of officers who are just one little cog in the grand machine of the First Order, with a job that is insignificant but gives them something to be proud of, makes them feel like they belong, like they have a home where they can work.

It’s not the truth, Kylo knows. Hux is as extraordinary as Kylo is, even without the Force. Together, perhaps, nothing could stand in their way.

But no. That won’t work. It will end with death and misery. He will listen to the warnings of the vision on Dagobah and Snoke. And even without that: surely Hux would get bored of him sooner or later, become too annoyed that Kylo cares so much about the Force, something which Hux isn’t interested in. Hux would find someone else, someone better for him, a politician or whatever. Surely he wouldn’t want to stay with Kylo forever.

“Ren,” Hux greets him. His lips press together, displeased. Kylo remembers how eagerly they used to yield under his own lips. He remembers how they looked, stained with blood, dying.

He will never hear Hux call him Kylo again. Kylo should have called him Armitage, at least once. Now it’s too late.

“Don’t call me Ren. It’s Lord Ren.”

There’s a flicker of hurt in Hux’s eyes, though it disappears quickly.

“You’re my co-commander. My equal. I’m not calling you a lord, not after – not anymore.”

Kylo could explain to him that it’s as incorrect to be called simply Ren as it would be to say General Armitage, but he will give this one little thing to Hux – he took some other things from him, after all.

“As you wish,” Kylo tilts his helmeted head in acquiescence.

Then, once he realizes Hux won’t say anything else, Kylo Ren turns away.


End file.
